had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
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I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
A friend helps you before you need it
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?