I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
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Bike is short for Bichael.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk