my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
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Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die