robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
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I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
What’s a Messi?
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
uh oh
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
But I really needed water water water
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.