It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
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Never be a pizza!
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT