It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Sniffing the broccoli
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am