Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
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Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Does beer think about me too?
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.