you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid