jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
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If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.