Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
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Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
When I said I liked it rough.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*