Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
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Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
What do you hear?
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards