My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
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Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
why am I working on Labor Day
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down