Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
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I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!