Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
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remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD