The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
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If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
This raises questions
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.