Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
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when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I have two kinds of followers
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate