OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
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You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Hamburger Hinderer.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.