*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
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Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm