I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
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Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
relationship goals
first you must answer his riddles
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.