COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
You Might Also Like
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Plant care tips
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Yoga Matt
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer