Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
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Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Any refunds available?…
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no