HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
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I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
they really do be looking like this
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry