12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
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FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*