Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
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Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today