[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
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Those are good neighbors.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.