Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
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Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine