got so much cardio in today
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The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.