My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
You Might Also Like
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator