Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
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Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
don’t be scared
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”