I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
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Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.