“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
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I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!