Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
You Might Also Like
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
this has to be peak English
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching