The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
You Might Also Like
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day