Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
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tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Festive toon…
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how