*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
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When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.