Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
You Might Also Like
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there