An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
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Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
haha same
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.