Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
You Might Also Like
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
😂🤣😂🤣
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?