Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
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Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.