not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
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Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Herpes is trending, good job people
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.