If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
You Might Also Like
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
“you recording!?”
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
wishing you and yours all the best
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.