There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
You Might Also Like
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
my one true gender
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
This took me a second..
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.