Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
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I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
me when i see my girls butt
need a new bf mines broken 😐
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to