I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
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me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?