If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
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Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.