love it when they get my name right
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not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
This came to me in a dream.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.