Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
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Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator