One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
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I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please