Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
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Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
LMAO.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.