*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
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How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM